Here we go again

I am going to try and I am going to care. I talked to the doctor yesterday because I am up to 281.5.She gave me some stragies. I want them to work. I want to work them.

falling off the wagon and getting back on again

I know it has been over three weeks since my last post. I had a birthday, my son had a birthday and I quit blogging and caring and ate whatever in the hell I wanted most of the time. I am up to 268 and decide to choose to have a phase one day to see if I can get my eating under control. Phase one is part of the Curves old weight loss/food management plan called the 6 week solution, formerly known as the six week challenge. That is how I lost half of the weight when I lost 100 lbs. I can only say I am doing it today. I hope I will choose to keep it up tomorrow. I would like to take off the weight and go to New York. I am just doing a lot of emotional eating. I have also had some sluggish days. Not that I feel sluggish, I am acting sluggish as in "like a big fat slug". I spend too much time on the couch watching TV, looking at Facebook, doing number puzzles. My mind is the only thing getting any kind of exercise and even that is not much. The pull of the couch seems so great. I just have to care, which seems like a small thing, but it isn't.

There's Health and then There's Health

Food, diet, exercise...what are three things that are farthest from my mind right now? Well food is hardly ever farthest from my mind, but it is a lot farther away than is typical for me. I am not at home. I am not sheltered by the safety of my familiar stress filled life.

I am two states away at the home of my older sister. She is facing new and scary medical challenges and doing so with honest bravery. I am happily being the faithful sidekick. I suppose I should think about eating healthy and participating in healthy activity (aka exercise) but I am on a different plane from the plane of day to day living. I have been here before so it seems familiar. Not much of what is generally so very important to me has any importance at all. I was on this plane through the cancer journey of Bob's mom. My being kicks into this mode that just makes decisions without hesitation. My priority gives me purpose and, although my own nuclear family is never far in my heart and mind, nothing but being who and what I need to be, doing what I need to do to be a part of the healing process for Teresa, has any significance. 

I will try to remember to care for myself while I am here. Helping her get well will be worth nothing if I cause harm to myself because that in turn would cause her harm. I am not reckless. I am not sad or depressed and not caring about myself. I have been there and know that. I am taking a break of another kind where reason means little and instinct calls the shots. It is, I believe, the way I am wired. I could not be any other way.

Independence Day

The day didn't go like I imagined. It wasn't that it was a bad day. I had not really imagined much. This is how my 4th went. Picture Norman Rockwell and then change everything about that picture. It happened again. I wallow in the fact that I don't really have family to celebrate these kinds of holidays with. You know Shirley would have a plan, even if it was for a small group. Food would be planned, fireworks would be planned. People would have been over and enjoyed the holiday. What we had was an ordinary day with a trip downtown to see fireworks. Our founding fathers fought England for independence so I could take an afternoon nap and scrape paint off my hammock. I ate a lunch filled with fat and carbs.

I am up one pound from the weekend, which really isn't bad considering my emotional state, which if you haven't figured it out is depressed. I know I am depressed. It goes along with being worried and anxious. I don't know where the depression comes from sometimes. It just takes over my body. I hide it well from almost everyone, except now I am hiding it from no one. It is probably clinical and typically situational but sometimes like this weekend it is just there. I am greyscale while the world is in living color. Despite the depression I am going to eat right today. Oatmeal for breakfast, with some blueberries. I want to avoid caffeine in the evening, so I sleep well. A multi vitamine has my name on it and I have a few projects I want to finish today. All steps in the right direction to flip up the switch that seems stuck on down.

On the Road to Redemption

I am back down to 261.5 in my pjs, but I had to work hard. I did a lot of activity this week. I worked out at Curves three times this week. I walked to lunch with a friend a mile each direction and some of it was up hill. I swam 25 laps and walked around Disneyland one evening and CA Adventure one morning. I am taking it easy today, but want to stay vigilant about what I choose to eat. It is not always easy on Friday because we eat out for dinner. I wish I could break the 260 wall. Sunday is the 4th of July and we really don't have any big plans. Bob's not feeling 100%, he hasn't been for some time. He went to the doctor and his blood work all comes out just fine. I could be stress. Work is stressful for him right now. Me not working the summer is also stressful for him. I want to eat healthy over the weekend and get stuff done around the house. I am setting manageable goals and working to achieve them.

Abject Failure

It is not good. I am up so much. I ate whatever tasted good and didn't care about what I was doing to my body and in a few short days gained maybe six pounds. It is hard to say exactly how many because I stepped on the scale at 5 am, which is way earlier than usual. I am recommitted today, but it is going to be hard. I know what happened and I just let it.
I let my parents get to me. Mom or dad, if you are reading this, I am going to be blunt, so stop or be prepared. My parents both acted really selfishly on the day of Charlie's party. My mom did not make her travel plans until the last minute and I know it was because she didn't know what Aunt Carol was going to do, but then to arrive at the station 20 minutes before the party was due to start and needing a ride from the station was very selfish. I needed help with the party and don't understand why you didn't plan on the earlier train so you would be around instead of taking away one of the only people I had helping me to pick you up. You missed the graduation the least you could of done as a mom or grandma was to be around to help.
I still don't get why my dad had to choose that moment to feed Valerie's dog. He did help by getting the club house, even if he did it a week late and by helping with the balloons and picking up the food, but then he disappeared right when everyone was there and it was time to eat. He may have been being passive aggressive about the fact that we were not going to his picnic. He didn't seem too upset that we were not attending. I think he just didn't have a clue. He didn't realize it was a little more formal than our usual events, but he should have gotten that from the set up and the invitations.
Bob loves me, and my kids love me and it was a good party, but it just makes me so upset that I don't have better parents. I am afraid I am the same kind of parent. They don't have the skills to think about how their choices effect me, and I worry I lack those same skills. It is not rational, but if my own parents don't care about me then why should I care what I eat? Why shouldn't I eat whatever tastes good to me? Why should I care? Alfredo tastes good, chocolate satin tastes good, Almond Roca tastes good. All that goodness blots out the bad feelings and when I step on the scale I pay the price. I don't know why I let them get to me, I should probably get therapy.

Graduation Day

Today is going to be a hard day to make good food choices, so what do I do? It is my youngest son's graduation from high school. It was a long hard road to get here to this day. I am not entirely happy with the education he received and blame myself for a lot of the shortcomings. There are so many emotions tied into today it could be a blog itself, so there is the whole emotional eating challenge, but there is also the structure of the day.

The school is having a brunch/lunch buffet for the families. We want to celebrate graduation with a trip to Farrell's, which is an ice cream parlor. It is special. It is far from our house and close to the school and let's face it ice cream makes everything better. Charlie likes to eat out more than in and we told him we would take him out to dinner. Celebrations are better with good tasting food. Some days I don't want to worry about what I eat, but then I just pack on the pounds even if it is just a day.

How do I approach today? Do I just allow myself to eat what I want for this day and go back to my food plan tomorrow? Do I make the best choices with the food available? The only thing I know for certain is whatever I choose I cannot beat myself up for having ice cream on my son's graduation day. New York, or no New York, life without ice cream is no a life worth living. Did I mention I like ice cream?

Back slide, move forward

I am up a pound and I am really okay with that considering. It has been a weekend filled with food. Saturday was my nephews graduation party. The food was very good. There were homemade cookies and I also had a piece of cake. I did not eat much before or after and I did work out that morning. Yesterday was father's day and my brother planned a breakfast for my dad at Knott's Berry Farm's Chicken Dinner Restaurant. It is the kind of place where it is impossible to eat healthy. I passed on the potatoes, but could not resist biscuits and gravy. I think these were the best biscuits I have ever had. I had eggs for protein, and had bacon and sausage which I know are bad for me, but didn't over do it. I also indulged in some chocolate later in the day.

I am making a commitment to be good...food wise...for today and tomorrow. Wednesday is my son, Charlie's high school graduation and his school is having a brunch. More food I don't have any control over and will feel socially obligated to eat. I want him to know how proud we are of him and food is such a big part of our lives. Friday is his 18th birthday and so we are having his graduation party on that day. I will make a big salad, but we are having Italian food catered from a restaurant. Each moment, each meal, each day, is a choice. I have a plan for today and I have a choice right now to stick to that plan. Something could change that, but I still have hope and motivation. If I loose seven pounds I get to open that Broadway account.

Event Food Averted

Yesterday was Senior Celebration at work. This event requires me to speak in public, which I do, but with much anxiety. It also involves food and the social pressure to eat. I have the advantage of having lost weight before. Back then it was harder to get people to understand that when I said "No thanks" to an offer of food I really meant it. I counted and I had to say "No" in one form or another at least six times before co-workers stopped asking. This go around I just told them I am back to caring about myself and I am choosing my food carefully. I told them about my goal to loose the weight and go to New York. I did the social part of social eating, but not the eating part and eventually the conversation moved on to something other than my eating habits.

I also was, or I should say am, grieving. I don't want to publicly go into a whole lot of detail, but in a way I lost a baby who had not yet been born. She was a girl and I let myself dream about being her mom and bringing her into my family. It wasn't meant to be and I don't see the big picture of why it all happened in the first place, and I know I probably never will. It is a tragic story that is not really mine to tell. I am only mentioning it because it is the kind of thing that makes me want to eat, but I didn't. I stuck to my guns and only ate food on my food plan. I lost 2.5 lbs since my last post, so I am 261 in my 'jamas this morning.

My husband was awarded some baseball tickets for tonight. The head of the company handed them over personally and thanked him for his hard work. This is a big company with over 500 employees, so it is very cool. My problem is dinner and the potential to snack after dinner. I found snacking after dinner is a big downfall for me. I have to not do it if I am going to loose any weight. Dinner itself is kind of an issue because there is not much time to eat a good meal before the game and most things that are quick are unhealthy. Eating at the game is out of the question. I don't want to have to try and find something that fits my food plan and I don't want to pay the money it would cost to eat it. I have a couple of ideas for dinner, but so far no great idea. I'll let you know what I come up with.

6:30 a.m.

I used to be a night person. I worked graveyard and that fit my body clock well. I have always suffered from insomnia, at least as long as I can remember. Working graveyard cured my insomnia for several years. Now, no matter what I do during the day, and what time I go to bed, I always seem to be awake by 6:30 a.m. Sometimes I feel lucky to sleep soundly until then. So I weigh myself each morning, in my pajamas du noir. That means of the night for those of you unfamiliar with French.

I am at 263.5 lbs. Weekends are the hardest time to eat right followed closely by weekdays. My husband and I have had this deal since our children were small. I cook during the week, we eat out on Friday and he cooks on the weekends. He has a typical job outside the home, forty hours a week, Monday to Friday. I work full time as a mom (which would be a whole blog by itself)and part time as an Toddler teacher/caregiver in a teen parenting program (also blog material). When it is his night to cook I know he has the best of intentions, but we often end up eating out. Typically, he is busy and looses track of time and then clams it is too late or he is too tired to make diner. Sometimes when it is my night to cook, we also eat out. I like to eat out. I am actually pretty good at finding the low/healthy carb option that isn't too high in fat, but the problem is salt. It seems like no mater where we eat I wake up the next morning and am puffy faced.

The week ahead has challenges. There will be food at work because the school year is ending. I will be stressed because the certainty of employment is ending with the school year. Also, someone I love very much, my sister, is having surgery. Eating for me is rarely about the food. It is about filling the void created by stress and dpression. That is why my goal and this blog are in place. I want health. I want my family to be healthy. I want to go to New York and see a show. I need to set up my Tivo for the Tonys tonight.

Motivation

I need a motivation to get things done. I make deals with myself all the time. If I clean the livingroom I reward myself with mindless television or a number puzzle. I don't like hard work and "the satisfaction of a job well done" doesn't quite inspire me.

I am obese. I currently weigh 265 lbs (fully clothed)which would be fine if I was 7 feet tall, but as I am only 5 feet 4 and one half inches, I am obese. I have always been big. When I was three years old I was wider than I was tall. I have food issues from childhood and genetics that make storing fat way easier than shedding it.

At my biggest I was 305 lbs. I lost 110 lbs over a period of six years. Then life got overwhelmingly stressful and I stopped caring about myself. I ate what tasted good and over a peroid of one year gained 75 lbs. back. The crisis that caused the stress became managable again and I asked myself what I was doing. I started to care again, but I think it really sucks that it takes so long to take the weight off and it is so easy to put it back on.

I want to loose weight, but am lacking the motivation I had. I lost weight in the past by eating healthy and adding activity to my life. I am still active. I just have to get the eating thing under control again. I had this idea to motivate me. What do I want more than chocolate? My last Netflix and the upcoming Tony Awards gave me an idea. I would like to see a Broadway show, on Broadway.

I am making myself a deal. My ideal weight for my body type is around 155 lbs, but to make the numbers rounder I am setting a weight loss goal of 100 lbs. When I get down to 165, no mater how long it takes, I am going to go to New York to see a show. I would love to have family or friends join me in setting a weight loss goal and then think about joining me on the journey.

I know that being accountable to myself should be enough, but it is not. I don't need public humiliation, but thrive with encouragement. I figure if I announce my goals it makes them real. I am now accountable to you and that is a motivation in and of itself.