There's Health and then There's Health

Food, diet, exercise...what are three things that are farthest from my mind right now? Well food is hardly ever farthest from my mind, but it is a lot farther away than is typical for me. I am not at home. I am not sheltered by the safety of my familiar stress filled life.

I am two states away at the home of my older sister. She is facing new and scary medical challenges and doing so with honest bravery. I am happily being the faithful sidekick. I suppose I should think about eating healthy and participating in healthy activity (aka exercise) but I am on a different plane from the plane of day to day living. I have been here before so it seems familiar. Not much of what is generally so very important to me has any importance at all. I was on this plane through the cancer journey of Bob's mom. My being kicks into this mode that just makes decisions without hesitation. My priority gives me purpose and, although my own nuclear family is never far in my heart and mind, nothing but being who and what I need to be, doing what I need to do to be a part of the healing process for Teresa, has any significance. 

I will try to remember to care for myself while I am here. Helping her get well will be worth nothing if I cause harm to myself because that in turn would cause her harm. I am not reckless. I am not sad or depressed and not caring about myself. I have been there and know that. I am taking a break of another kind where reason means little and instinct calls the shots. It is, I believe, the way I am wired. I could not be any other way.

Independence Day

The day didn't go like I imagined. It wasn't that it was a bad day. I had not really imagined much. This is how my 4th went. Picture Norman Rockwell and then change everything about that picture. It happened again. I wallow in the fact that I don't really have family to celebrate these kinds of holidays with. You know Shirley would have a plan, even if it was for a small group. Food would be planned, fireworks would be planned. People would have been over and enjoyed the holiday. What we had was an ordinary day with a trip downtown to see fireworks. Our founding fathers fought England for independence so I could take an afternoon nap and scrape paint off my hammock. I ate a lunch filled with fat and carbs.

I am up one pound from the weekend, which really isn't bad considering my emotional state, which if you haven't figured it out is depressed. I know I am depressed. It goes along with being worried and anxious. I don't know where the depression comes from sometimes. It just takes over my body. I hide it well from almost everyone, except now I am hiding it from no one. It is probably clinical and typically situational but sometimes like this weekend it is just there. I am greyscale while the world is in living color. Despite the depression I am going to eat right today. Oatmeal for breakfast, with some blueberries. I want to avoid caffeine in the evening, so I sleep well. A multi vitamine has my name on it and I have a few projects I want to finish today. All steps in the right direction to flip up the switch that seems stuck on down.

On the Road to Redemption

I am back down to 261.5 in my pjs, but I had to work hard. I did a lot of activity this week. I worked out at Curves three times this week. I walked to lunch with a friend a mile each direction and some of it was up hill. I swam 25 laps and walked around Disneyland one evening and CA Adventure one morning. I am taking it easy today, but want to stay vigilant about what I choose to eat. It is not always easy on Friday because we eat out for dinner. I wish I could break the 260 wall. Sunday is the 4th of July and we really don't have any big plans. Bob's not feeling 100%, he hasn't been for some time. He went to the doctor and his blood work all comes out just fine. I could be stress. Work is stressful for him right now. Me not working the summer is also stressful for him. I want to eat healthy over the weekend and get stuff done around the house. I am setting manageable goals and working to achieve them.