where I am at

I know I have not posted in a while. I have been sick. I caught a bug from a baby at work and it took a while to get over what ever it was. I keep having relapses. I am staying at the same weight since I stopped the pills, but I have not been sticking to a strict food plan. I have been exercising sporadically. I started reading a book called Weight Release. It is a spiritual psychology book. The premise is that the weight I have, or my eating habits, must serve a purpose. The book is kind of a workbook to help solve the mystery of why I am holding on to this extra weight. I am only on the second chapter and second exercise. I do think it is what I need right now. It is not a food plan, it will not tell me what to eat, it will help unlock why I eat when I eat and maybe help me find some replacement behaviors. It is called Weight Release because the author believes when you loose something you try to find it again. Loss is a negative and the author likes to view life changes as positive. I like to view life in terms that are positive. I don't want to get mired in the muck of negativity. I often do, but I don't like to.

I am struggling with something this week and I wanted to blog about it too. In two months, my co-worker and friend is going to retire. She is more than a friend. She has been one of the women in my life that I have looked to like a mom or big sister. I put people in that roll to fill that void that comes from having a dysfunctional upbringing. I have been so lucky that life has put these people in my path, to help me grow into a "functional" member of society. My heart is already breaking at the idea of having to say goodbye to seeing this person on a daily basis. I am not a good friend. I am not good at maintaining friendships. I am thoughtful and caring and am great in a crisis when called upon, but I am not good at staying connected. My past is full of friends I have pushed away or neglected because they "left" me. I know I have very serious abandonment issues and they are already beginning to affect me. We are trying to plan her "retirement" party. I want to move at a slower pace than the other people I work with. I want it to be special and right instead of easy. This is going to be rough.

Experiment Expired

I stopped taking the diet pills yesterday. I did not feel like they did a whole lot for me. My mouth felt like cotton and I felt edgy and needed to control that. I know I talked more than usual. I woke up in the early hours of the morning and could not get back to sleep. I lost seven to nine pounds in the four weeks I took the pills. I found out what I knew...if I stick to the food plan, I loose weight. If I compulsively over eat or stress eat or in general make poor food choices I don't or even gain. My doctor now wants me to take an anti depressant that just so happens to have "loss of appetite" as a side effect. Bob and I both laughed and that being her go to response because drugs always seem to be her go to. I am not sure I need an anti depressant. My life is hard sometimes. I have more ups and downs than I think is average, but I would not really know. I get melancholy when things are not going well for one of my boys and because they are on the Autism Spectrum that happens on a regular basis. I think I am situationally depressed as apposed to clinically depressed. When the situation changes, my mood changes. Is there a pill for that?
I weighed in at 267 in my light pjs this morning. I am going to try and stick to the food plan today and make tuna stuffed tomatoes (or bell peppers). I will eat a healthy breakfast, take a snack to work, drink a lot of water. I am fighting a cold, but if work doesn't take all my energy, I will work out this afternoon. That is really all I can do right now. All I can do is try to eat right for the right reasons. Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Hard to Describe

I am full of mixed emotions. I am doing well with my food choices and weight loss, but I am aggravated and edgy. I am down to 169... although on Friday the scale said 167. I think that was a momentary aberration. I am very happy with the 169 and am pretty sure I can keep it up. I am edgy because I feel like I have very little support for any positive changes I want to make. People at work are always offering food, and they do it to be kind, but I am good at saying, "No, thank you." Bob acts as if he is supportive, but then wants to take the easy way out and get food out or make something easy which tends to be fatty or carby or processed. I want to plan and shop and he is unmotivated so if we do go he is grumpy. I want to turn to my family, but they are inundated with their own health or money or family issues. I have few friends and they do not have the weight issues I have. Gotta run...things to do...people to see...miles to go before I sleep.

Not me, not me

I did something I never thought I would in a million years. The doctor gave me a prescription for an amphetamine and I am taking it to loose weight. I feel like such a cheat. I was up to 282 and was afraid I was on my way to 300 lbs. I caught a bug from a baby at work and lost seven pounds. I was at 275 when I started the medication four days ago. It only works if you eat right and exercise, but it is supposed to help with appetite. The prescription is only for three months because uppers are an addictive controlled substance. The doctor seems to think using them for three months and being successful at loosing weight will be motivation enough to keep going after the medication is no longer available. I dream about what it will be like to be thinner again. I want to be healthier, to not have painful bone spurs and get winded so easily. I want to be able to buy clothes at Costco and on the other side of the aisle again. But when it comes time to choose what I put in my mouth, I want the chocolate and the macaroni and cheese. I also feel if I am desperate enough to take drugs I should at least care enough to eat right and exercise while I am taking them. I know I have lost a little over the last four days. Bob and I went shopping for food and I plan on cooking instead of going out. If I do that and work out on the WII, with or without medication, the weight will come off. I decided to try it with medication to see if it helps. I did it, it was me. Only time will tell if it was the right decision or not. I do know I am not going to hate myself for being a cheater. I don't hate myself for my genetic make up; this Italian and Eastern European heritage that has doomed me to this hearty body type, why would I hate myself for using chemistry to control it.

chocholate

How am I suppose to be good and avoid sugar if my husband brings home a large box of chocholate and 2 lbs of caramels? It was not even like "I love my wife I should get her a nice box of Chocolate" it was that someone at his work had a catolog and he could not resist buying something. I know he was thinking about me when he picked the box, but it is not the same. I am in the same place, I think, I am at 182. I am not sure where I was when I last posted, but I know I was in this neighborhood. I don't want to be online long because I plan to go to Curves this morning and cancel my membership. I just am not getting my money's worth becaue I am not going. I have been doing the WII fit for thirty minutes three times a week. I think that is why I have been able to stay the same even though I am eating poorly.
I want to write about how underappreciated I feel at work right now, but I am weary about what I put in writing. No one reads this, but one day they might and I would hate to loose a job or not get hired because I blogged about my feelings about my job. I just want to say I need more reassurance than I get. Actions tell me I am not valuable as an employee and I don't matter. I am hurt and althought I like what I do, I don't like doing it if I do not feel appreciated or valued.

Here we go again

I am going to try and I am going to care. I talked to the doctor yesterday because I am up to 281.5.She gave me some stragies. I want them to work. I want to work them.

falling off the wagon and getting back on again

I know it has been over three weeks since my last post. I had a birthday, my son had a birthday and I quit blogging and caring and ate whatever in the hell I wanted most of the time. I am up to 268 and decide to choose to have a phase one day to see if I can get my eating under control. Phase one is part of the Curves old weight loss/food management plan called the 6 week solution, formerly known as the six week challenge. That is how I lost half of the weight when I lost 100 lbs. I can only say I am doing it today. I hope I will choose to keep it up tomorrow. I would like to take off the weight and go to New York. I am just doing a lot of emotional eating. I have also had some sluggish days. Not that I feel sluggish, I am acting sluggish as in "like a big fat slug". I spend too much time on the couch watching TV, looking at Facebook, doing number puzzles. My mind is the only thing getting any kind of exercise and even that is not much. The pull of the couch seems so great. I just have to care, which seems like a small thing, but it isn't.